I’d Been Chasing My Own Tail and Overwhelmed

SO much has been going on for me in the last five years. I’ve been learning and growing as a person so quickly that it’s hard for me to keep up with myself, let alone figure out how to share it.

Perhaps the best approach is to start at the beginning and do my best to fill in the details for you. While a lot of what I’ll share with you today is very personal, I promise there’s meaning in it for you. It may not be apparent right away, but I’m going to do my best to share and connect the dots for you going forward.

After struggling with my physical health for more than two decades starting at the age of 14, I made a commitment to get well that led me into the world of holistic health. Once I started to see results from my efforts to heal my physical health, I realized that my mental health was just as important and needed my attention.

I’ve been learning that emotional health is an underlying issue with many mental and physical health disruptions, that once addressed, opens up the possibility for healing and self-growth in expansive ways. My goal is to shed light on its importance and how it’s connected to every other facet of your health.

It’s also where you find your bliss in this complicated world! AND how you get your power back and be part of the changes we all need and want to see in the world in a healthy and far more effective way than what we’ve been trained to believe.

One big thing after another turned my world upside down, and I had to get A LOT of help and create a toolbox of emotional healing techniques to process and heal the many things that have come at me over the last five years. It’s been hard. And it’s also been an invitation to forgive, love and expand more deeply into my authentic self, which I‘m deeply grateful for, just as I’ve been for all the lessons and growth I experienced while healing my physical body.

I’m excited to share more, especially because I had an epiphany a few weeks ago that pulled it all together in my brain. The tools I’ll be offering to share with you soon are the things I’m now using every single day. And I FEEL so much better!

As I look back on it all now, here’s the overview:

• Life-changing health crisis for my husband in the fall of 2018, which he physically recovered from, but that changed him in every other way. He became very distant and would even walk away from the dinner table in the middle of a conversation.​

• Realizing that my 20+ year marriage, and my nuclear family life, which was THE most important part of my life, was now in jeopardy.​

• Navigating ALL the emotions that came with that, with a partner who was unwilling to acknowledge and discuss what was happening and how everyone was affected. And feeling the full weight of my own judgment around my emotions and thoughts, which made everything even harder.​

• Hoping that time and patience might provide the space for healing and shifting in my relationship and family life, and learning to take care of my mental and emotional needs on my own in deeper ways than I’ve ever needed to before. I utilized the tools I already had and reached out for outside help when I was still struggling.

• Seeing that things were not shifting and having to choose whether or not I could continue on with things as they were, quite possibly for the duration of my life.​

• Finding the courage to choose myself, and my desires, over settling and being unfulfilled.​

• Feeling heartbroken, scared, anxious, uncertain, angry, fearful, sad – just to name a few – and learning how to FEEL those emotions, allow them to unfold and flow, and be ok in the discomfort. And to ask for help over and over again when I couldn’t work through it on my own, even as my emotional navigation toolbox expanded.

• Waiting for the opening to acknowledge, and receive agreement, that things just weren’t working for us as a couple. But that our nuclear family life was important and worth finding peaceful new ways of allowing us all to continue connecting.

• Becoming very conscious and intentional about supporting my adult sons to get their own lives fully launched, on their terms, no matter what transpired or what anyone else thought, even though I now had to figure out how to recover my own financial health as well.

• As we were testing out our agreement and new ways of interacting, the 2020 lockdowns hit. I had to make really difficult decisions about my business, which added immensely to the uncertainty and fear I was already feeling over my finances. I had no time to recover from the relationship stress and the changes in my personal life before being getting slammed with additional stress.

• The world events of 2020 were showing in very unusual ways in my clients’ bodies. I was committed to figuring out how to adjust my interactions and programs to continue to meet my own high standards of care. This led me down a very interesting rabbit hole, one that continues to this day.

• The transition to a virtual business went better than I could have ever imagined. My intuition expanded immensely, which was actually quite fun, and I was able to continue to be helpful to my clients. And my new home office has been working out perfectly.

• In September of 2020, my still-legal husband moved to another state. He had been in and out of the house that year and things were going ok with our new way of interacting, although he was still distant, disengaged and a very different person than the one my sons and I had known. Our separation agreement was working as we stayed on peaceful terms and managed our joint finances smoothly for several years. He returned seasonally to spend the holidays with our sons. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but it was manageable.

• The world events and how it was showing up in my clients’ bodies continued to drive me to explore why everything was suddenly so very different than it had been for 16 years prior. When I commit to figuring something out, the universe always conspires to support me. In September of 2020, I received an unmistakable “download” about energy spheres around the human body. It was literally a message in my head, that was clearly not coming from me, that said “get up, get a piece of paper and write this down.”

• Before long, I realized I could “see” these energy spheres, not visually, but in my mind. It threw me into a whole new level of weird – due to my holistic mindset, I already felt like the odd one out. I had to really work on getting comfortable sharing it with others.

• Because my intellectual brain needed a better understanding of what energy is, and what the energy spheres are all about, I dove into research and have learned so much! One thing that helped very quickly was finding stories of people and cultures that have not lost touch with their extrasensory gifts. It made me feel a lot less weird. And I now believe that we ALL come into the world with unique extrasensory gifts, and then lose touch with them through family, religious and educational programming. They are never lost, which means YOU have magic in you that you’re likely not aware of or fully utilizing.

• The integration of my newly rediscovered gifts into my client sessions began to happen very organically. My clients needed to talk beyond their physical health needs to navigate the strangeness of the world. And everything is interconnected, so these more expansive conversations supported their physical health as well.

• An old structural issue in my body, that had been addressed and healed quite a bit in previous years, began screaming for deeper healing. The right side of my body, and my arm and shoulder in particular, contracted deeply and were difficult to use for more than a year. It was a huge challenge to get comfortable and really interfered with my ability to sleep. I was exhausted and had days that I went from the bed to the couch only. For many months, my body just kept asking for rest. It was frustrating and boring, but I listened as much as I was able to, only giving my attention to the things that absolutely needed to get done.

• Thankfully, I knew that it would resolve if I did the right things. When my body was ready, I began intensive bodywork and I’m now better than I’ve ever been.

• My still-legal husband began to demonstrate that our sons are no longer a priority. He made decisions that affected them without discussing them with them first. This was a new level of disbelief and pain for me to work through. My mama bear instincts are intense!

• He then started a legal process without discussing it with me, one which requested very different things than what he and I had agreed on. What he asked for showed no regard for our sons and did not offer me any options. I had always envisioned an amicable divorce, so this was yet another curveball for me to practice navigating my thoughts, emotions and actions.

• My financial life has drastically changed, as is expected when assets are divided in two, and I’ve had a lot of unexpected expenses including legal fees, emergency vet expenses, etc. I’m learning to handle a level of debt I’ve never experienced before, navigate the legal system, lean into my inner knowing that it will all work out eventually, and get comfortable with the uncertainty of all of it.

• I deeply miss having the financial means to travel. And I’m more determined than ever to figure things out and create something even better than I had previously envisioned.

• I’ve started dating and opening my heart to the possibilities of an epic romantic partnership, one that I’ve longed for my entire life.

I wouldn’t wish the circumstances of my life on anyone, and still find it hard to process the other world-wide stuff we’ve all had to navigate. But I’m still here, healing and learning how to thrive again.

I know there are many other people in the world who are far worse off than I am. I have many, many blessings in my life and I’m deeply grateful.

I’ve learned that wanting more DOES NOT mean that I’m being ungrateful for what I have. I’m grateful for what I have… and I want more. And that’s more than ok! Desire and drive are what create expansion and growth. And I have a lot more life to live!

It’s not healthy to attempt to sweep troubles under the rug, put on a brave face and go about life as if nothing is happening, which is what many people are taught to do. That approach pushes emotions deep INTO the body, where they can get stuck, just like physical toxins, and cause or contribute to emotional, mental AND physical health concerns.

I’ve traveled that path when it was all that I knew. I now know that it was a huge part of why my physical health crashed at such a young age – I was holding SO much inside and my body couldn’t sustain it. My emotional and mental health were not any better than my physical health. I had no self-confidence or self-esteem, never stood up for myself, and allowed life to sweep me away, bouncing from one unfulfilling job and relationship to the next through my teens and early twenties.

I did what I was taught to do and what was expected of me, and judged myself very harshly for not being able to find the “right” partner or the “right” job.

What I’ve learned over the last few years has changed my perspective – on everything. I have potential answers to things I’ve wondered about my entire life! I have a much better understanding, and appreciation, for who I am.

I now know that I matter, that my desires matter, that I’m not an accident, less than, better than or less capable than anyone else.

And the same is true for you.

Self-acceptance, self-care, and true self-love are not arrogant or selfish. They are how you develop your unique, divine, fractal self to live a life of meaning, one that automatically gives to others and creates positive change in the world, just by BE-ing you!

Your authentic self is hiding inside of you, buried underneath programming, trauma and stuck emotions.

It’s waiting for you, to say yes to stepping into your own power, which is how the world changes, one person at a time.

Each of us, as unique individuals, contributes massively to make the collective incredibly powerful, so much so that it can create the change we all want to see in the world.

We have to learn to BE who we truly are and show up for ourselves. We have to unlearn all the BS we’ve been led to believe. And FEEL our emotions so we can heal and expand.

And it’s my intention to create opportunities for you to learn all of that and so much more from me, my experiences, and everything I’ve learned and created along the way.

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